Watching Kkrish 3

Krrish 3 was awesome. It had all the ingredients of a super hero movie. Great special effects, good story line, lovely stunts! I just loved the movie. Hrithik has done a superb job! He plays the two characters of father and super hero to the best. One truly feels they are two different actors doing two different roles! Ah! And Vivek Oberoi as the evil Kaal was really evil! If you like masala movies and want to see how technology has made its way into bollywood movie you must watch it. Krrish 3 is what a super hero movie should be like- super natural powers, extra-ordinary happenings, the age-old good vs evil  and at the same time human emotions, feelings and science.  Special effects were mind blowing but the fight scenes between Kkrish and the evil Kaal could have been edited a bit though.

What I loved about the movie besides the neat and clean story line and special effects and of course Hrithik Roshan is the wonderful blend of science, fiction and the spiritual. The movie ends with a note on how everything is but energy and every thing be it matter or mass is made of energy. The soul is nothing but energy which never dies but keeps moving from one body to another.  The entire Universe is always in the process of emitting and transferring energy from one form to another. So when Rohit Mehra the scientist father of Krrish sacrifices his life to bring back his son back to life he assures Krrish that no one ever truly dies, for energy can never die but only takes on another form and continues to live in another body, another matter, another being. Rohit Mehra with the help of the sun and his energy transforming scientific invention- a pen which beeps when the sun’s rays are brought to concentrate on a focal point- filters and transfers both his and the energy derived from the sunlight (which are but one!) to his dying son and becomes a part of him! 

However there was one thing that disappointed me or perhaps I am expecting too much! In the end Kkrish (or in his more mortal form Krishna) and his wife become proud parents of a baby boy and conclude with the assurance that their father lives on in their child too. Now here is where Kkrish 3 having crossed the barrier of using super special effects, technology and great fictional script could have really moved way way ahead of other Bollywood movies. The baby born to Kkrish and his wife could have been a female child rather than a male child. For if all we are but energy transformed from nature to soul to matter then the energy need not always take a male form. The makers could have really brought out the core essence of their theme of energy, transformation, life and death and continuity by depicting the transfer of energy into a new born female child. I personally feel that given the immense creative potential of cinema in invoking/provoking the thought process of its viewers, this, could have been a very innovative step towards breaking  the age old barrier of Gender bias that still dominates Bollywood movies. Perhaps the reason they did not do it is because we are still in awe of our larger than life super female goddesses and not yet ready for a more down to earth female super hero???!!!  

But kudos to Kkrish 3 for bringing together a wonderful blend of movie, entertainment, technology, science, fiction and spiritual into one powerful package!

PART II... Do You Truly Love Yourself?

I have decided not to write a sequel to this post because I feel that if one sits down to write how  then the list can be never ending. Each one of us will have different experiences to narrate and  if we have an unloved self in us then we will end up identifying our self with these experiences. But what is really required is to find some time for us and sit quietly and go deep into our own self and find the experiences that have troubled us. Each one of us will have a unique experience and to go through this experience is what is important. To go through all the feelings that arise within us during these moments of deep solitude and communicate with our past emotions, experiences is what will unlock the key to our closed and clamped hearts. We have to identify our own feelings, we have to experience our own emotions. 

Lot of our emotions get unattended to in our growing up years. We need to attend to them and not just feel burdened, saddened, angered or victimized by them.  If  we don’t attend to them now then we will keep projecting our fears and insecurities on to others. Then we are not living the present but living in the past with past memories and emotions. To live in the present we have to release the  past emotions that have disturbed us and gradually let go of them otherwise we will be merely reacting out of habit rather than responding from the present moment. Habitual reactions can never ever be solutions to any problems. They are just plain and ordinary reactions which we repeat irrespective of the situation.

The interesting part about habitual reactions is that we connect all situations to our fears, insecurities and anxieties. In all situations we find ourselves as victims. The reason being we have been unable to come out of our past victimized selves and we relive our past through or in the present situations. Our actions are not tuned to responding but to reacting through habit.

To love our self we need to be creative… to be creative we have to respond… to respond we have to let go of reactions and habits. When you respond to a situation you are actually creating an emotion, action which is in the present. And being creative is what brings immense love for the creator and for the creation who/which is none but you!

Do You Truly Love Yourself?

I was asked to place my hand on my heart and ask myself “ Do you TRULY love yourself?” I was taken over with grief and pain when I found the answer. The answer was “No, I am afraid…afraid of loving myself. I do not find anything worthwhile in me to love myself. In fact I do not even know what to really love in myself! I do not know who I am, what are my likes and dislikes, what are my true desires and passions, what are my best and what are my worst qualities. I feel unloved”

I was very upset when I heard all these coming up. I knew it was my conscience speaking to me and communicating the thoughts and feelings that lay deep within me. So deep within me that even I had been for all these years unaware of it. 

As I heard this I felt the fear rise inside me. The fear of loving myself and the fear of not loving myself. I felt the sadness that had for all these years gripped me. What was this sadness all about? What was this deep rooted grief and pain that I felt often and what was it that made me so fearful of myself?

Our hearts are capable of such immense love, kindness and  compassion that we cannot even imagine. And yet it is this immeasurable ability of the heart to love and be caring and compassionate that we fear the most. We fear it because we are afraid that if we let go of our guard and go out to completely and fully embrace everyone around us with love and affection we will come back hurt.

To feel this is not shameful. For at some point in our lives we have been hurt and our trust has been broken, especially, by people who have been most close to us and from whom we had expected love, affection and kindness.  And when this happens our minds go into a mode of anger and distrust towards our self. Anger and distrust keep seeping into every layer of consciousness. Not only do we not trust others but we also stop trusting our own feelings, emotions and thoughts. We lose our innate ability to trust our heart and be kind and affectionate to our own self and others. 

When I was initiated into my path of self-discovery by my Guru J I was first asked by her to dive deep into my own feelings, thoughts and emotions. I found myself enveloped in anger and rage, hatred and jealousy, pain and suffering, guilt and shame. I found my heart enclosed in a fortress like wall, full of anger and defense…ready to push back anyone who tried to come near my feelings and emotions. For I did not trust them and neither did I have trust in myself to deal with anyone who came close to me and my heart. In other words I just did not want any company . As a child at home I was reserved and did not communicate much with my family. I had lot of good friends though. But no one too close or dear. I was the same in my adolescent, my teens and my youth.

During my early initiation I witnessed the source of all these emotions. I traced them back to my infancy, childhood and adolescence. Believe me it was not easy to see the people who you loved so much and who too loved you but had, sometimes knowingly and sometimes unknowingly, contributed in creating these stress-full emotions in you! It was a mountainous task to re-live  the childhood experiences and memories of being hurt, grieved and let down by your own family and close ones. More difficult it was to work towards completely forgiving them, to break not my relationship with them but the bond of anger and grief that connected me with them. 

But this was not enough. Which is quite evident from the answer I got when I put my hand on my heart. What was more important besides acknowledging that I have been upset, sad, angry , grieved and hurt by all of this, but also acknowledging that yes these emotions do exist in me and yes that is why I have not been able to love myself. The whole thing was to own up responsibility for the presence of these emotions of my feeling worthless, unloved, doubtful and unknown to my own self.

With this owning up responsibility and acceptance I feel so much more relieved and light and peaceful. I have begun to pay attention to myself and listening to my self more than ever before and more than I can even remember. 

In my next post I will share more on this. More on how what are the many ways in which our hearts  close and clamp up to love and compassion. I will share my own childhood experiences, experiences some of my friends and family have shared with me. Meanwhile place your hand on your heart and ask yourself “Do you TRULY love yourself?” It is great if you hear “yes” and it is also great if you hear “no” because then this is a chance for you to get to know yourself more than ever before!

Paths I love to walk on!

For the last one month I have been getting up 5.30 in the morning and going out for a brisk walk and jog. I thought of sharing the lovely track that I walk on every morning. It is beautiful with curves and bends. And paths with curves and bends have always fascinated me. At every curve, at every bend I await with anticipation of the sight that I will come across! The morning is beautiful and I have become addicted to these walks. I took these pics on my mobile while walking. Hope you all enjoy them!

The Freedom To Express: A note I read out on the Independence Day celebration at my daughter's school.

More than 66 years back a nation full of people had fought for Independence. What was this struggle for independence all about?  It was about Freedom. Freedom from colonial rule, freedom from oppression, freedom for democracy. But above all it was for freedom of expression.

That was 66 years back… a nation’s struggle for its right to express.  Today as I stand here as a citizen of that very nation and as a parent of a four year old I would like to share with all of you what I feel is the importance of this right to expression in our as well as our childrens’ lives.

A little boy falls down while playing. He starts to cry. His parent rushes to pick him up. The parent, sometimes lovingly and sometimes sternly says to the little crying boy “don’t cry, you are a brave boy, brave boys don’t cry.”  Another scenario: A little girl is playing, exploring ways to balance on the see-saw beam or standing on the swing and swinging or going too fast on the merry-go-round. The parent is constantly warning her not to do these actions. The little girl still keeps repeating them and at one time falls and hurts herself. She starts to cry. The parent rushes to her and picks her up trying to figure out if the child has been seriously hurt or not. As the parent does this he/she keeps on telling to the little girl. “I told you so. You didn’t listen to me. Now see you have got hurt. That is what happens for not listening. What is the point of crying now.  Stop crying like a baby and next time don’t do like this.”

Crying is the most natural way of expressing pain, grief, sadness. Let the child relieve himself/herself of the pain then and there instead of bottling it up under the garb of bravery or reprimanding disobedience, only to return later as rage and anger. When a child is hurt and is crying he or she is expressing his or her emotions through the most natural way. Let us allow our children to cry and do what is most natural to humans when they get hurt or are in pain.

 Let our children express. For the more they express the more clear they are of their own emotions. If they are afraid let them express the fear, if they are angry let them express the anger, if they are upset let them express the reason for being so, if they are not in consent with you let them express their dissent. Don’t stop the child from laughing aloud even when you find no reason behind it, don’t stop the child from loudly expressing his/her opinion for you will only muffle his/her voice further. Let them sing when they want to sing, let them dance when they want to dance. As a parent we will have to sacrifice sometimes to give our children that space. But then so did our freedom fighters sacrifice their lives for a nation where we could express ourselves and not live in oppression.

A couple of days back my daughter got angry with me for not allowing her to watch Tv beyond a stipulated time. She got very upset and angry and told me that I was very bad and she did not like me at all. I let her be upset and angry for I would too if I were a child who was asked to switch off Tv while watching my favourite programme! A few days later when I made one of her favourite dish she looked up at me with a smile and said “ Mumma I love you very much but there are times when I don’t and I get very angry with you!” I was surprised and elated, both at the same time, when I heard this. I was not upset but instead felt a sense of deep relief and joy to know that my little daughter was able to understand her emotions and express it as well. A quality if developed further would help her in growing up as a wholesome individual who is aware of her emotions and self.

When our freedom fighters fought for the freedom of our nation they were just not fighting for the end of colonial rule but they had a larger vision in mind. A vision which they knew had to be gradually worked towards. The vision of a democratic nation where freedom of expression would play a vital role. As parents too we need to keep the larger spectrum of bringing up emotionally wholesome children. And for this we too need to give our children the space, opportunity and time to develop in them the ability to understand, differentiate and express their emotions without any fear or inhibitions, to give them a life where they can be fearless in making choices and mistakes and grow up as confident, compassionate and responsible adults. If we can do this then truly we can be proud of the freedom and independence that our nation attained 66 years ago.

In Denial

In a small colony somewhere in Bulandshahr, India, a young girl is abducted while she was asleep on the roof of her house with her family. Her younger sister was sleeping next to her. Three young men gagged the older girl, took her  to an adjoining vacant house, raped her and left her bleeding and unconscious. The girl regained consciousness and could barely walk up to her house. Her family went to the police. Police abused and hit the girl as her complaint identified  one of the abusers as the son of some political head of the area. Another one of the assailants was related to the girl. After some clashes between the colony people and the police officials an FIR was lodged and the assailants booked under the non-bailable offence.

The news paper article has given three statements made each by the girl, by her father and by a neighbour.  Here are the statements.

The girl says she has never worn jeans or has ever gone out without wearing a dupatta. Then why did she get raped?

The girl's father says he has done everything to protect his daughters. His daughters never even go out alone and yet why are people blaming them?

A neighbour says it is an unfortunate incident for the family but the girls should not have been allowed to sleep on the roof!

How long is  this game of denial going to go on? I f the myths -girls who wear jeans or  clothes that are 'sexually stimulating' are raped or that girls who stay at home and don't move about independently are safe- was not enough now girls are being asked to confine themselves to spaces even within their homes. The girl and the father, even though confused as to why in spite of  all the 'safety' and 'precaution' that they could think of this happened, are at least  questioning the myths. But the neighbour and millions of voices that he/she represents are still not willing to step out of the comfort zone and question these myths and misconceptions. How much more are we going to confine our girls and women and force them into invisibility?

No one is ready to accept that rape is a form of violence that originates from the aggressive and violent state of the abuser's mind. The stimulant is not the abused but the already present aggressive emotions in the abuser's mind. If what women wore and how they behaved was enough to prevent rape then how can we answer for the hundreds of cases of child sexual abuse and rape? How an earth can they be stimulants of sexual libido in abusers?

We really need to face this denial. And the only way to do this is to work towards addressing the violence and aggression within the self, within the social norms and moralistic values which prevent expressing emotions, feelings and desires. We need to address the visible and subtle aggressions  in the way we condition our children, the way we parent and bring up our children . Children who grow witnessing violence, aggression and disrespect against women, children who themselves face violence are bound to express the rage and anger in them by resorting to violence.

It is easy to lay down moralistic rules and instruct others and control others. Don't do this! Don't wear that! Don't go there! etc. etc. But no one is ready to delve into the origins of the violence and aggressive sexual beahviour that drives a person to commit rape. To delve into this is to delve into the inner sexual world. To delve into the inner sexual world is to delve into our desires, emotions, painful moments, moments of grief, moments of unfullfilment, moments of despair, moments of feeling powerless and helpless, moments of rage and anger and frustration.

The sexual world is not just about sex and carnal desires. They form a part of the sexual world along with a whole gamut of other emotions and desires such as affection, appreciation, compassion, love and intimacy, freedom of expression. Affection, love, intimacy, appreciation compassion from parents and other people in whose presence we live and grow up; freedom of expressing thoughts, emotions, feelings, fears, desires, passions, interests as one is growing up; freedom of exploring these desires, passions and interests- all these form the sexual world, the personality, the core being of an individual.

When these go unaddressed in childhood and get replaced by extreme forms of violence and aggression, the sexual being becomes aggressive, fearful, full of hatred and anger. This often finds expression through violent physical and sexual acts such as rape, other sexual abuse, battering and beating, murder etc. In their more tempered form they get expressed through addictions, self-abuse, problematic relationships, uncontrollable bouts of anger, blaming others for failures and misfortunes. And in more subtler form they find expression in low self-confidence, low self-worth, low self-image, self-victimization, inability to pursue careers, relationships, fear of future and fear of change, submissive or antagonistic towards dominating and authoritarian figures, closed to others opinions and eager to prove ones argument as the 'right' argument.

How long are we going to deny this sexual world? Till all our girls and women disappear? Till all our boys and men know no other emotion than violence, rage and aggression? Till all our children grow up with hate, anger and fear? Till all the joy of love, affection, compassion and intimacy no longer find a place in our relationships and in our world? 



(Article reference: "Gang-raped teen shunned by community", TOI New Delhi/Gurgaon, page 8, July 27, 2013)

The Magical Mind

It has been raining on and off in Gurgaon. A few days back as I was taking my morning walk I came across a stretch which had some small puddles on the pavement. There was this very familiar smell coming from earth wet by the rain waters. The smell just transported me back to a time long long ago. And as I put my foot in a puddle, in a split second of a moment, my mind raced through visuals, smells, sounds, feelings, emotions and a whole lot of memories from my childhood.

When I was in school we used to go for our vacations to Kolkata. It was always during the months of July-August… the peak of monsoon season in Kolkata. As I stepped on the watery pavement that morning I was taken back to those vacations in Kolkata. My granny used to live in a small hamlet (better known as moffetshawl) on the outskirts of Kolkata.  The wet muddy streets and broken half done roads from those days splashed under my feet. I could see the dark streets wet with rain, I could hear the croaking of thousands of frogs in the stillness following the rain, I could smell the green moss by the ponds now overflowing with the rain, I could feel the scent of the leaves and the barks of the trees with each breath that I took. 

In those days the concept of invertor had not yet penetrated into the towns and hamlets. So every house had haerikanes (kerosene lamps). As I found my mind walking back in the streets of that little hamlet I saw the warm yellow light and smelt the burnt fragrance of the kerosene. Every house big and small, of brick or mud  had this yellow light emitting from its windows. I saw the black soot of the kerosene on the glass of the lamp, the little insects crawling and flying around the yellow light. I saw my dear ones sitting near this yellow light and fanning themselves with hand fans made of dried palm leaves. 

My granny’s house had a big roof top where we would spend hours lazing around. I heard my dear neighbor telling us ghost stories while we sat around her with eager eyes and ears under the darkest blue sky on that rooftop. I felt my sweaty face and neck but I knew it was not bothering me for I was enjoying the cool breeze coming from the tall and tallest of coconut and shoopuri (bettle nut) trees, and from the wavy waters of the pond in the backyard.  I could hear the rains splashing at the blue windows while I lay awake inside the mosquito net watching the fire flies glow in the darkness of the room.

I was not bothered by the few mosquitoes that had managed to enter the mosquito net for I was waiting for morning to come when my cousin and I would rush to the backyard and jump into the cold and freezing rain water that had filled the pond beyond its muddy walls. I was not bothered by the red and black ants called Kaat pipre (wood ants) whose one sting was enough to make you forget your past, present and future for there were fish to catch from our neighbour’s over flowing pond! 

As I took my next step and my foot fell on a dry patch I was back in my present. But the short trip back into my most memorable years of childhood stayed with me for the whole day. What amazed me is the capability of the mind (in a more scientific term the brain) to store all these experiences - smell, visuals, sounds, colours, textures, events, feelings and emotions - over so many years and then run them through like a short film in a split second of a moment or one can say in a blink of a moment! Truly the human mind and its consciousness is a magical universe in itself.