In a small colony somewhere in Bulandshahr, India, a young girl is abducted while she was asleep on the roof of her house with her family. Her younger sister was sleeping next to her. Three young men gagged the older girl, took her to an adjoining vacant house, raped her and left her bleeding and unconscious. The girl regained consciousness and could barely walk up to her house. Her family went to the police. Police abused and hit the girl as her complaint identified one of the abusers as the son of some political head of the area. Another one of the assailants was related to the girl. After some clashes between the colony people and the police officials an FIR was lodged and the assailants booked under the non-bailable offence.
The news paper article has given three statements made each by the girl, by her father and by a neighbour. Here are the statements.
The girl says she has never worn jeans or has ever gone out without wearing a dupatta. Then why did she get raped?
The girl's father says he has done everything to protect his daughters. His daughters never even go out alone and yet why are people blaming them?
A neighbour says it is an unfortunate incident for the family but the girls should not have been allowed to sleep on the roof!
How long is this game of denial going to go on? I f the myths -girls who wear jeans or clothes that are 'sexually stimulating' are raped or that girls who stay at home and don't move about independently are safe- was not enough now girls are being asked to confine themselves to spaces even within their homes. The girl and the father, even though confused as to why in spite of all the 'safety' and 'precaution' that they could think of this happened, are at least questioning the myths. But the neighbour and millions of voices that he/she represents are still not willing to step out of the comfort zone and question these myths and misconceptions. How much more are we going to confine our girls and women and force them into invisibility?
No one is ready to accept that rape is a form of violence that originates from the aggressive and violent state of the abuser's mind. The stimulant is not the abused but the already present aggressive emotions in the abuser's mind. If what women wore and how they behaved was enough to prevent rape then how can we answer for the hundreds of cases of child sexual abuse and rape? How an earth can they be stimulants of sexual libido in abusers?
We really need to face this denial. And the only way to do this is to work towards addressing the violence and aggression within the self, within the social norms and moralistic values which prevent expressing emotions, feelings and desires. We need to address the visible and subtle aggressions in the way we condition our children, the way we parent and bring up our children . Children who grow witnessing violence, aggression and disrespect against women, children who themselves face violence are bound to express the rage and anger in them by resorting to violence.
It is easy to lay down moralistic rules and instruct others and control others. Don't do this! Don't wear that! Don't go there! etc. etc. But no one is ready to delve into the origins of the violence and aggressive sexual beahviour that drives a person to commit rape. To delve into this is to delve into the inner sexual world. To delve into the inner sexual world is to delve into our desires, emotions, painful moments, moments of grief, moments of unfullfilment, moments of despair, moments of feeling powerless and helpless, moments of rage and anger and frustration.
The sexual world is not just about sex and carnal desires. They form a part of the sexual world along with a whole gamut of other emotions and desires such as affection, appreciation, compassion, love and intimacy, freedom of expression. Affection, love, intimacy, appreciation compassion from parents and other people in whose presence we live and grow up; freedom of expressing thoughts, emotions, feelings, fears, desires, passions, interests as one is growing up; freedom of exploring these desires, passions and interests- all these form the sexual world, the personality, the core being of an individual.
When these go unaddressed in childhood and get replaced by extreme forms of violence and aggression, the sexual being becomes aggressive, fearful, full of hatred and anger. This often finds expression through violent physical and sexual acts such as rape, other sexual abuse, battering and beating, murder etc. In their more tempered form they get expressed through addictions, self-abuse, problematic relationships, uncontrollable bouts of anger, blaming others for failures and misfortunes. And in more subtler form they find expression in low self-confidence, low self-worth, low self-image, self-victimization, inability to pursue careers, relationships, fear of future and fear of change, submissive or antagonistic towards dominating and authoritarian figures, closed to others opinions and eager to prove ones argument as the 'right' argument.
How long are we going to deny this sexual world? Till all our girls and women disappear? Till all our boys and men know no other emotion than violence, rage and aggression? Till all our children grow up with hate, anger and fear? Till all the joy of love, affection, compassion and intimacy no longer find a place in our relationships and in our world?
(Article reference: "Gang-raped teen shunned by community", TOI New Delhi/Gurgaon, page 8, July 27, 2013)
Chaitali, thank you for this - I feel you have brought up a major component of this - that rape needs to be looked at as a core aspect of the human being's needs/desires/confusion, around power, ego, and boundaries.
ReplyDeleteAt a core level, women in many many places are looked at still, as objects to be used, not as human beings. We lack empathy, we have lost touch with soul, we are as you say, in denial around the most important issues we need to address to grow up. Thank you, i'll share this where i can.
Hi Valerii!
ReplyDeleteYes we all need to look deeply into our souls and reconnect. Violence/abuse/constricting desires and allowing no space for expressing emotions, especially in childhood gradually create anger and rage within us. And as we grow these inner turmoils get expressed in outer manifestations of aggressive and violent behaviour or submission to violence and aggression.