Paths I love to walk on!

For the last one month I have been getting up 5.30 in the morning and going out for a brisk walk and jog. I thought of sharing the lovely track that I walk on every morning. It is beautiful with curves and bends. And paths with curves and bends have always fascinated me. At every curve, at every bend I await with anticipation of the sight that I will come across! The morning is beautiful and I have become addicted to these walks. I took these pics on my mobile while walking. Hope you all enjoy them!

The Freedom To Express: A note I read out on the Independence Day celebration at my daughter's school.

More than 66 years back a nation full of people had fought for Independence. What was this struggle for independence all about?  It was about Freedom. Freedom from colonial rule, freedom from oppression, freedom for democracy. But above all it was for freedom of expression.

That was 66 years back… a nation’s struggle for its right to express.  Today as I stand here as a citizen of that very nation and as a parent of a four year old I would like to share with all of you what I feel is the importance of this right to expression in our as well as our childrens’ lives.

A little boy falls down while playing. He starts to cry. His parent rushes to pick him up. The parent, sometimes lovingly and sometimes sternly says to the little crying boy “don’t cry, you are a brave boy, brave boys don’t cry.”  Another scenario: A little girl is playing, exploring ways to balance on the see-saw beam or standing on the swing and swinging or going too fast on the merry-go-round. The parent is constantly warning her not to do these actions. The little girl still keeps repeating them and at one time falls and hurts herself. She starts to cry. The parent rushes to her and picks her up trying to figure out if the child has been seriously hurt or not. As the parent does this he/she keeps on telling to the little girl. “I told you so. You didn’t listen to me. Now see you have got hurt. That is what happens for not listening. What is the point of crying now.  Stop crying like a baby and next time don’t do like this.”

Crying is the most natural way of expressing pain, grief, sadness. Let the child relieve himself/herself of the pain then and there instead of bottling it up under the garb of bravery or reprimanding disobedience, only to return later as rage and anger. When a child is hurt and is crying he or she is expressing his or her emotions through the most natural way. Let us allow our children to cry and do what is most natural to humans when they get hurt or are in pain.

 Let our children express. For the more they express the more clear they are of their own emotions. If they are afraid let them express the fear, if they are angry let them express the anger, if they are upset let them express the reason for being so, if they are not in consent with you let them express their dissent. Don’t stop the child from laughing aloud even when you find no reason behind it, don’t stop the child from loudly expressing his/her opinion for you will only muffle his/her voice further. Let them sing when they want to sing, let them dance when they want to dance. As a parent we will have to sacrifice sometimes to give our children that space. But then so did our freedom fighters sacrifice their lives for a nation where we could express ourselves and not live in oppression.

A couple of days back my daughter got angry with me for not allowing her to watch Tv beyond a stipulated time. She got very upset and angry and told me that I was very bad and she did not like me at all. I let her be upset and angry for I would too if I were a child who was asked to switch off Tv while watching my favourite programme! A few days later when I made one of her favourite dish she looked up at me with a smile and said “ Mumma I love you very much but there are times when I don’t and I get very angry with you!” I was surprised and elated, both at the same time, when I heard this. I was not upset but instead felt a sense of deep relief and joy to know that my little daughter was able to understand her emotions and express it as well. A quality if developed further would help her in growing up as a wholesome individual who is aware of her emotions and self.

When our freedom fighters fought for the freedom of our nation they were just not fighting for the end of colonial rule but they had a larger vision in mind. A vision which they knew had to be gradually worked towards. The vision of a democratic nation where freedom of expression would play a vital role. As parents too we need to keep the larger spectrum of bringing up emotionally wholesome children. And for this we too need to give our children the space, opportunity and time to develop in them the ability to understand, differentiate and express their emotions without any fear or inhibitions, to give them a life where they can be fearless in making choices and mistakes and grow up as confident, compassionate and responsible adults. If we can do this then truly we can be proud of the freedom and independence that our nation attained 66 years ago.

In Denial

In a small colony somewhere in Bulandshahr, India, a young girl is abducted while she was asleep on the roof of her house with her family. Her younger sister was sleeping next to her. Three young men gagged the older girl, took her  to an adjoining vacant house, raped her and left her bleeding and unconscious. The girl regained consciousness and could barely walk up to her house. Her family went to the police. Police abused and hit the girl as her complaint identified  one of the abusers as the son of some political head of the area. Another one of the assailants was related to the girl. After some clashes between the colony people and the police officials an FIR was lodged and the assailants booked under the non-bailable offence.

The news paper article has given three statements made each by the girl, by her father and by a neighbour.  Here are the statements.

The girl says she has never worn jeans or has ever gone out without wearing a dupatta. Then why did she get raped?

The girl's father says he has done everything to protect his daughters. His daughters never even go out alone and yet why are people blaming them?

A neighbour says it is an unfortunate incident for the family but the girls should not have been allowed to sleep on the roof!

How long is  this game of denial going to go on? I f the myths -girls who wear jeans or  clothes that are 'sexually stimulating' are raped or that girls who stay at home and don't move about independently are safe- was not enough now girls are being asked to confine themselves to spaces even within their homes. The girl and the father, even though confused as to why in spite of  all the 'safety' and 'precaution' that they could think of this happened, are at least  questioning the myths. But the neighbour and millions of voices that he/she represents are still not willing to step out of the comfort zone and question these myths and misconceptions. How much more are we going to confine our girls and women and force them into invisibility?

No one is ready to accept that rape is a form of violence that originates from the aggressive and violent state of the abuser's mind. The stimulant is not the abused but the already present aggressive emotions in the abuser's mind. If what women wore and how they behaved was enough to prevent rape then how can we answer for the hundreds of cases of child sexual abuse and rape? How an earth can they be stimulants of sexual libido in abusers?

We really need to face this denial. And the only way to do this is to work towards addressing the violence and aggression within the self, within the social norms and moralistic values which prevent expressing emotions, feelings and desires. We need to address the visible and subtle aggressions  in the way we condition our children, the way we parent and bring up our children . Children who grow witnessing violence, aggression and disrespect against women, children who themselves face violence are bound to express the rage and anger in them by resorting to violence.

It is easy to lay down moralistic rules and instruct others and control others. Don't do this! Don't wear that! Don't go there! etc. etc. But no one is ready to delve into the origins of the violence and aggressive sexual beahviour that drives a person to commit rape. To delve into this is to delve into the inner sexual world. To delve into the inner sexual world is to delve into our desires, emotions, painful moments, moments of grief, moments of unfullfilment, moments of despair, moments of feeling powerless and helpless, moments of rage and anger and frustration.

The sexual world is not just about sex and carnal desires. They form a part of the sexual world along with a whole gamut of other emotions and desires such as affection, appreciation, compassion, love and intimacy, freedom of expression. Affection, love, intimacy, appreciation compassion from parents and other people in whose presence we live and grow up; freedom of expressing thoughts, emotions, feelings, fears, desires, passions, interests as one is growing up; freedom of exploring these desires, passions and interests- all these form the sexual world, the personality, the core being of an individual.

When these go unaddressed in childhood and get replaced by extreme forms of violence and aggression, the sexual being becomes aggressive, fearful, full of hatred and anger. This often finds expression through violent physical and sexual acts such as rape, other sexual abuse, battering and beating, murder etc. In their more tempered form they get expressed through addictions, self-abuse, problematic relationships, uncontrollable bouts of anger, blaming others for failures and misfortunes. And in more subtler form they find expression in low self-confidence, low self-worth, low self-image, self-victimization, inability to pursue careers, relationships, fear of future and fear of change, submissive or antagonistic towards dominating and authoritarian figures, closed to others opinions and eager to prove ones argument as the 'right' argument.

How long are we going to deny this sexual world? Till all our girls and women disappear? Till all our boys and men know no other emotion than violence, rage and aggression? Till all our children grow up with hate, anger and fear? Till all the joy of love, affection, compassion and intimacy no longer find a place in our relationships and in our world? 



(Article reference: "Gang-raped teen shunned by community", TOI New Delhi/Gurgaon, page 8, July 27, 2013)